Defining the Relationship

Photo Credit: Jonathan Paquette

14 “Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. 15 And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:14-15 (ESV)

Early in our relationship, Krystal and I discussed our desires, compatibility and the viability of a long-term relationship together. We did not want to proceed without a potential future. A couple of years ago I was introduced to the abbreviation DTR - “define the relationship” - in Kyle Idleman’s book, Not a Fan. Krys and I did this without even knowing the term. Idleman talks of defining our relationship with God.  As the passage above in Joshua tells us, we must choose what god we will serve. I pray we all choose the Triune God of Father/Son/Holy Spirit. Some might ask the question, “Why should I define the relationship?” I would like to offer three reasons why we should define our relationship with God. 

1. Defining the relationship signifies exclusivity.

In today’s culture we live in an age where we like options. We want to have a no strings attached relationship in case it does not work out. In a study by Pamela J. Smock of The University of Michigan found “Between 1995 and 2006 to 2010, first-time cohabitation jumped by 43 percent for white women, 57 percent for Hispanic women and 39 percent for black women. Only Asian women stayed the same, with about 22 percent cohabiting during both time periods.” Some couples decide to cohabitate as a test ride before making a commitment. Some couples may make a loose agreement, an “open marriage” rubber-stamping their approval for their spouse to have sexual relations with others. For us as Christians, however this is not a viable option. God ordains marriage as a sacred covenant between one man and one woman.

When we define our status as disciples of Jesus Christ, we are committing to him. A common line in traditional marriage vows includes the phrase “forsaking all others” Merriam-Webster dictionary defines forsake as “giving up or leaving (someone or something) entirely.” There is no going back. This is not like when I go to a restaurant and they do not have Coke Zero, so I order a Diet Coke or a Diet Pepsi. It is not whimsical or “fair-weather.” Choosing Christ means nothing else. 

The passage above says to serve him in sincerity. What does sincerity mean to you? In a relationship context, I see it as being authentic. We remember the television episodes where someone mixes up their days and ends up with two dates on the same night. How does such an episode end? Generally we as the audience we have laughter and the protagonist ends up with two upset dates. We do not want to be second place, and neither does God.

2. Defining the relationship establishes security.

For a moment, take an inventory of who has keys to your house. Is it a high number or a low number? My guess is you have a set, your spouse has a set, your kids (if they are old enough/responsible enough may have one) and you have an emergency key with either a neighbor or a hidden place around your house. We do not give a set of keys to our house to anyone we meet on the street. Why? We do not know if they are trustworthy. Giving someone a set of keys to your house signifies a certain level of trust. Well who do we give the keys to our heart, which is vastly more important?

We need to give the keys to our heart to God, no exceptions. There certainly is fear in this action and yet our calling is to trust. Remember Peter walking on the water? Want proof of God’s continued faithfulness? He was faithful to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He was faithful to the Israelites, to David, to the early church and he never changes. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (ESV). Often we do not want to commit to someone or something because of fear they will let us down. With God, this fear is unwarranted. God is faithful to us despite our unfaithfulness to him.

In choosing Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we are allowing him into every area of our lives without exception. Jesus knows our every wart, fault and thought, still loving us. As Charlotte Elliot writes in the classic hymn Just as I Am,

“Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,

Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;

Because Thy promise I believe,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.”

Knowing us intimately, he calls us to himself. His love and his justice sent down Jesus to die for us. He loved us more than he loved himself. If this does not mean security, what does? We have security in our relationship with Christ.

3. Defining the relationship looks to the future.

Unfortunately, in life there is a lack of permanence. A quotation going back to Benjamin Franklin says, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.” We have certainty in this world; the certainty is God. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (ESV). God does not change. God is not changing his mind. God is not going to “renege” on us. He showed his commitment through Jesus Christ. He stuck with the “adulterous” nation of Israel. God loves with a steadfast love opposed to a conditional love we at times employ.

We do not need to fear God leaving us unless we give up on him. Billy Graham says, “God doesn’t give up on us until we give up on Him. Only when we repeatedly turn our backs on Him and stubbornly refuse His offer of forgiveness will He finally let us go.” When we define our relationship, and commit to Christ, we are saying we are going to do this. We can do it, albeit not under our own power rather under his power and his grace through the Holy Spirit. There is a promised future of salvation for those in Christ.

How do we move into such a future? A relationship does not go anywhere without work.  God wants to cultivate a relationship with us and we need to be committed to it DAILY. I have three young boys (and a daughter on the way) I have to (and need to more) dedicate time with them whether it be playing, praying, talking or teaching. I need to love them. I need to show them they are special with my actions and if I do not, I will miss a deeper intimacy with them. I do not want them to say, “Dad was not there for me when I was young.” I want a relationship. If I do not work at it, I will blink my eyes and they will be 31 with their own kids, and some opportunity lost. Do miss the time with our savior either. Make time for him. Go on “dates,” talk with him. If we do this, we will find ourselves fulfilled, satisfied and dedicated to the future we have with God.

Have you defined your relationship with Christ? Do you see the benefits of defining the relationship? Perhaps we have fallen away and need to re-establish a relationship. If we do define our relationship, we will find comfort, security and a wonderful future.

What are your thoughts?